Fear Being In The Same Place

I abandoned this blog almost a year ago because I was so frustrated and discouraged. If you read my last post in August of last year, then you know that I was planning on setting up a doctor's appointment to determine if I had polycystic ovary syndrome. After some blood work and testing the answer was yes, I do have PCOS. I was given a prescription for birth control pills and that was it. I've been on them for almost a year now and the only difference I've personally noticed is that I'm not longer losing my hair which is growing back to both my relief and annoyance. Perpetually frizzy looking hair just sucks and is a pain to deal with.

As for weight, I can't say much on that front. I'm still somewhere over 300 lbs. Don't ask for an exact weight because frankly I haven't stepped on a scale in months. I turned 26 in May so I now have my own insurance which means that I no longer have a membership with Defined Fitness and I can't afford to get another gym membership because my binge eating has become a constant thing. I chalk that up to stress and being tired. I'm in my third semester as a vet tech student and between classes, working at a clinic as part of one of my classes, and actually working for money, I'm going seven days a week and I'm exhausted. I guess you could call my eating my stress reliever though frankly I think it simply causes more stress because I generally make less than a $100 a week and almost all of that money goes towards food. And I have no idea how to stop. I know it's unhealthy, I know I should be saving money, I know I should be going to gym or even just working out at home, I know, I know, I know, but I can't. And I don't know if it's the depression screwing with me or me just being a lazy dumbass. Or both. I honestly wonder what it's like to be a normal person. To not feel like everything you do requires every ounce of strength and determination you have.

I guess on the positive side, I haven't been suicidal or had suicidal thoughts in quite some time. I also haven't been cutting in quite some time. And I haven't failed any of my classes or been kicked out of the vet tech program which I personally think is nothing short of a miracle considering how screwed up I've felt at times.

As much as I desperately want to lose the weight at times, I've also gotten to a point of basically saying, and excuse the language, but, fuck it. I'm fat, I'll always be fat, and I just can't fight this battle right now. The idea of trying to go the gym or work out on one of the three days I'm not going all day exhausts me just thinking about it. Besides that, those three "free" afternoons are spent trying to keep up with all the reading and homework I have due each week. I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything.

It's almost been a year and I'm basically in the exact same place I was last year. Almost nothing has changed and that's more discouraging and disappointing than I can say.