Repeat Everyday

Two years.  It has been almost exactly two years since I abandoned this blog and basically gave up on ever losing weight.  It's honestly been a rough couple of years.  I quit my job at the bank very shortly after my last blog post because I hated it so much.  In October of 2014 I ended up attending Extreme Weight Loss Destination Boot Camp up in Denver, Colorado for a week.  We were given meal plans, recipes, exercise plans, and a whole lot of other really great info.  I met some really awesome people, but honestly found it a little hard to connect because there really wasn't anyone else there my age.  When I got back home, I really tried to make things work, but I really didn't enjoy a lot of the food which I felt lacked flavor and could take quite a while to prepare.  So I soon fell off the wagon and returned to my old habits.

At that point I basically stopped caring about my weight and resigned myself to being overweight.  I tried going back to UNM in the spring of 2015, but ended up having to drop all but one class because I was failing them all.  I started a new job in March of last year working for at a dry cleaners.  I've been there for a little over a year now.  I continued to struggle with severe depression to the point that I was suicidal and cutting again.  The binge eating and bulimia also continued and my weight spiked again back up into the 320's.

And that brings us to the present.  I returned to college this past spring at my local community college and for the first time since graduating high school, I was actually very successful.  I passed all five of my classes with straight A's and really enjoyed myself.  I found that I was a much happier person and I think I went through a lot of mental and emotional changes.  I stopped getting so down on myself and stopped caring so much what people think of me.  There are a lot of days that I look in the mirror and think, Hey, looking good, girl!  I'm not stupid, I know that I'm still morbidly obese, I know that by society's standards I look like crap, but I'm learning to be comfortable in my own body, to put more stock in the words of those who love me than those who don't.  Honestly, if someone started talking bad about me, rather than getting depressed and feeling worthless now, I'd be more inclined to flip them off and tell them to shut up.  Um, just to be clear, I don't go around flipping people off, but in that situation, it would be very tempting.  If I was a better person, I would ignore them and move along, but I'm really bad at being passive and ignoring things that piss me off.  As my best friend recently commented, I'm not an indecisive or passive person at all.  I can be very passionate which means that sometimes I react or say things without thinking it through.  Something else to work at, I guess...

Time to Decide

 Today was a day of decisions.  When I woke up this morning, I felt completely sick to my stomach.  I felt awful.  The reason?  Well, last night after going to a play with a couple friends, I ended up going to a local pizza place and getting dinner and completely overeating.  It wasn't a binge, I was just hungry and tired and wasn't really thinking straight.  Looking at that decision by the light of a new day, I was furious with myself.  Yesterday wasn't one of my better days.  I woke up a bit later than I meant to and then suddenly remembered that I needed to gas up my car, so I shoveled down a leftover waffle with some watermelon and ran out the door.  It was hardly a satisfying breakfast so I picked up a bag of mixed nuts at the gas station.  I WAS proud of the fact that I chose the nuts over all the unhealthy junk food you normally find at gas stations.  I figured the nuts were a bit healthier and they would help keep me from getting too hungry before my lunch.  For lunch I had my leftover fajitas which tasted fantastic and filled me up and helped to energize me a bit too.

But by the time I got off work, I was exhausted.  I was still struggling with getting to sleep at night so I hadn't gotten near the amount of sleep I really needed.  When I got home, I was rushing around trying to get changed, feed my dogs, feed my cats, and generally just get some of the things that needed to get done done before heading to the play.  When I started looking at something to have for dinner, I found that we didn't seem to have a ton of leftovers and I would have to fix something.  I wasn't feeling terribly hungry and since I didn't really have time to fix anything if I didn't want to be late, I decided to skip dinner.  Worst decision ever.  The play was a lot of fun as was getting to chat with my friends afterwards.  It was just after nine when I started heading for home.  I was so tired, but I was also very hungry by this time.  I had no energy to fix anything at home and that's when I thought about the pizza place that wasn't too far away.  So I headed over there and ordered way too much for one person to eat, let alone someone who's trying to eat healthy, and ate it all.  Like I said, I wasn't bingeing, I was just hungry and I really overate.  When I got home, I completely crashed, but my stomach started bothering me during the night and woke me up a few times.

And like I said, this morning I was severely pissed off with myself.  I had been doing so well and then I blew it.  And what really ticked me off was that it had so NOT been worth it.  I couldn't remember what it tasted like, nothing.  I just knew I had eaten a ton of food that I didn't need and I felt like crap.  At that point I had a decision to make.  Generally when something like that has happened to me, I throw my hands up in the air and give up.  So this morning I had to decide if I was going to let one bad day make me give up.  I'm sorry to say that at that point, I wasn't sure.  I was frustrated, I was still tired and I had a long day ahead of me.