My best friend and I go out every Saturday night and our typical food choice is something like a Dion's pizza and a salad if we're being good or cheese toast if we're not. And don't even get me started on how much I love Dion's ranch dressing. Anyway, so now I'm trying to find restaurants that have gluten free options and are generally pretty healthy and it's hard, it's hard not to see something that sounds amazing and then realize that, nope, I can't have that. And then I just want to scream and cry and basically throw a temper tantrum. Because why me? Why the hell did I have to have PCOS? Why, when we have progressed so far in terms of medical research is there not something to help with this? Why is it so hard to diagnose? Why is a doctor's first act to throw birth control at us, something which, by the way, can cause an increase in a chance of diabetes? Why do we as women have to figure it out for ourselves? It's frustrating. I want to be normal, to be able to go out and eat whatever the heck I want to eat and drink whatever I want to drink. But I can't. I feel like now I have to psychoanalyze everything that goes into my mouth. And that is frustrating hell. I have a feeling it will get easier with time, but there's a huge part of me that just wants to throw up my hands and say fuck it. But the fact of the matter is, I can't live the life I want to live at 300 lbs. I can't do the things I want to do. So I have to put on my big girl panties and start figuring it all out. So maybe what that means is that instead of going through the struggle of figuring out where I can eat out without feeling deprived, I get something started in the crockpot so we can have dinner ready when we both get off of work. There's a part of me that wishes that I had my own place so that I could just clear all the crap out of the pantry and what not, but my parents tend to eat pretty healthy and I know they're on board with everything.
The other thing I'm discovering is how expensive eating healthy is. This past week I spent almost $200 on groceries alone. Now, I'm sure as time passes I'll get into a routine and I'll develop a staple of various spices and dry goods but for right now it feels like everything is costing an arm and a leg. And while some of the recipes I'm finding sound pretty good, a lot of them require more effort than I sometimes want to put out. Especially on days that I work, I don't want to get home at 6:30 after working 10 hours and then have to cook. When I did that the other day I didn't eat until almost 8pm. So I'm having to try to figure out a schedule of some sort to prevent that.
On the plus side though, I'm discovering how much better eating healthy makes me feel. I caved yesterday from the stress of the day and ended up eating out for lunch and dinner and felt like shit after both times. And neither time did the food taste as good as I imagined it would. So that was an eye opener and a reminder to me that what I'm doing is good for my body. I know it's still going to be a struggle because I have a tendency of imagining the food is going to taste way better than it actually does. And with my binge eating disorder that's going to be a challenge as well, but so far, that hasn't been an issue. Getting used to taking all the various supplements has been a challenge, just because I forget to take them. That I know is another thing that will come with time and just become a habit. I honestly may get one of those pill holders that you can put all your meds in for the week just to make it easier.
Basically at this point, it's all a work in progress but this time I really don't have the luxury of doing whatever the hell I want. This is something I really have to stick with, a permanent lifestyle change. And as much as I may resent it, it's a fact of life and resenting it isn't going to change anything or do me any good. So now it's just a matter of moving on and sticking with it.
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