Seize the Day

"Do it, it's not too late. You can totally make it."
"No, you're stronger than this. Prove it to yourself."
"Another slip up is not going to make that much of a difference. You know you want it."
"But you don't need it. You're not hungry in the least. You can resist this."
That's the dialogue that was running through my head tonight as I sat in my car in the Popejoy parking structure trying to merge into a never ending line of cars. I'd just seen the musical Newsies which I'd been wanting to see for several years now and had been totally blown away by it. It wasn't just good, it was amazing. And watching it, I was reminded of how much I'd wanted to be an actress, to be on stage like that. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm a mediocre actress at best. And if those didn't knock me out of the running, my weight certainly did. There's not any room for overweight actresses unless you're also a comedian for the most part, which I certainly am not.

So walking out to my car, I felt exhilarated and on cloud nine but I also felt depressed. Watching the show, I couldn't help but thinking how amazing it must be to be up on that stage. I haven't acted in over two years and I really miss it, but I don't see the point in auditioning when I know I won't get a part. My weight just automatically rules me out. Climbing into my car, I just started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. I don't know where the emotion came from, but suddenly there it was and I started thinking about how much I loved to act. The practical side of me immediately popped up to remind me that I gave up my dream of becoming an actress and I was now in school to become a vet tech, a stable, solid career choice. The thing is, I'm not into science and math and all that, I just love animals. I've always leaned towards the more creative side of things, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, etc., none of which I'm particularly good at, but I enjoy nonetheless. But while I might not enjoy science and math as much, I've done very well in my classes. And did I mention that I have way more chance of success with this career?

Getting Back to the Journey

So I realize it's been over a month since I last blogged and for that I would like to apologize.  I promise though it was not for lack of trying.  I started a new job a little over a month ago and I've been working full-time, but instead of sitting down all the time like my last job, I was on my feet a lot more which as I had mentioned, really affected my feet and I was dealing with a lot of pain from them.  The other side effect, being absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, was a result of a combination of running around a lot more than I was used to and trying to learn a lot of stuff in a short amount of time.  So I would get home from work, eat, feed my dogs and cats, and pretty much crash.  I did try to blog a few times and inevitably woke up several hours later with my cheek pressed against the keyboard and a long string of letters and numbers filling my screen.  So to an extent, I guess I gave up.  So where am I now?  Well, I haven't lost a ton of weight, a little under 10 lbs actually.  I've been quite disappointed with myself for not doing as well as I would like.  Part of the problem is that I went really hard at it in the beginning and I think I basically burned myself out.  So to an extent, I'm starting over, but at a slower pace.  Losing weight is a marathon, not a sprint.