Seize the Day

"Do it, it's not too late. You can totally make it."
"No, you're stronger than this. Prove it to yourself."
"Another slip up is not going to make that much of a difference. You know you want it."
"But you don't need it. You're not hungry in the least. You can resist this."
That's the dialogue that was running through my head tonight as I sat in my car in the Popejoy parking structure trying to merge into a never ending line of cars. I'd just seen the musical Newsies which I'd been wanting to see for several years now and had been totally blown away by it. It wasn't just good, it was amazing. And watching it, I was reminded of how much I'd wanted to be an actress, to be on stage like that. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm a mediocre actress at best. And if those didn't knock me out of the running, my weight certainly did. There's not any room for overweight actresses unless you're also a comedian for the most part, which I certainly am not.

So walking out to my car, I felt exhilarated and on cloud nine but I also felt depressed. Watching the show, I couldn't help but thinking how amazing it must be to be up on that stage. I haven't acted in over two years and I really miss it, but I don't see the point in auditioning when I know I won't get a part. My weight just automatically rules me out. Climbing into my car, I just started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. I don't know where the emotion came from, but suddenly there it was and I started thinking about how much I loved to act. The practical side of me immediately popped up to remind me that I gave up my dream of becoming an actress and I was now in school to become a vet tech, a stable, solid career choice. The thing is, I'm not into science and math and all that, I just love animals. I've always leaned towards the more creative side of things, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, etc., none of which I'm particularly good at, but I enjoy nonetheless. But while I might not enjoy science and math as much, I've done very well in my classes. And did I mention that I have way more chance of success with this career?

It's Time

"Eat less and work out."  If I ever mention my struggle with my weight, that's generally the response I get.  It sounds so simple, so straightforward, but for me, it's really not.  Food is comforting, its something I can rely on to taste good.  And working out?  I wear flats or flip flops perpetually because I have trouble breathing when I bend down to tie my shoes.  The idea of walking for any distance let alone trying to run is daunting.  The majority of my friends are thin, weight is not something they've ever struggled with.  A number of them even enjoy exercising, running a mile is nothing for them.  For most of them, my struggle with weight is probably quite perplexing.  But for me, it's something I've been dealing with my whole life.  In elementary school and middle school, I was the "loser", the one everyone else liked to make fun of and tease because I was weird and a different size.  I just didn't quite fit in at school or the church my family attended.  But while I loved food even then, I was constantly active with a required PE class and playing volleyball and basketball.  But when my family moved and my mom started homeschooling me, I became less active and the weight started piling on.

My lowest weight as a teenager/young adult was in my sophomore year of high school when I weighed 160 lbs.  By the time I graduated I had gained over 40 lbs. College was a nightmare for me.  From morning to till evening there was an all you could eat buffet in the cafeteria and most of it was about as unhealthy as you could possibly get.  Despite the fact that at that point I could be considered more curvy than anything, I felt fat and I wasn't comfortable working out in the gym which was usually filled with with toned and trim football and volleyball players.  My boyfriend wasn't much for working out and didn't generally want go with me so my exercise consisted of walking around the relatively small campus which wasn't much exercise at all.  I broke up with him in my second semester of college.  Despite the fact I knew it was the right thing to do, it was an incredibly difficult decision.  What made it even worse is that afterward I found that I had been so caught up in the relationship with trying to make things work out, that I hadn't really made any friends and I was completely on my own.  I quickly became depressed and food became my comfort.