Sucker Punch

So I realize it's been over a month since I updated this blog. I've been dealing with a lot personal and medical issues recently in regards to my weight loss and I just wasn't ready to share. Losing the weight has been much harder than I anticipated. I figured once I changed my diet and really started working out, the weight would really start to drop, at least initially just because I have so much to lose. But that's not what happened. I dropped just below 300 lbs once and then a week or two later, I bopped back up to just over 300 and that's where I've stayed. It's been massively frustrating because nothing I do differently seems to make any difference. So I've gotten very discouraged and I've started struggling with the depression again.

In addition to the weight loss issues, a month or two back I started noticing that I was losing a lot more hair than was normal when I took a shower or brushed my hair. Instead of just some strands here and there, when I ran my fingers through my hair, I was getting clumps. And my hair just felt thinner. I've always had very thick hair but suddenly it wasn't anymore. I thought maybe it was because I'd been dying my hair about every two months for almost a year to maintain the red hair that I loved.  So I returned to my natural brunette hair color and worked at really conditioning my hair, hoping that would help. It didn't. When I went to get my hair cut a few weeks ago by mom's cousin, she confirmed that my hair was thinning and told me I should get some blood work done because maybe it was a thyroid issue.

After my hair cut, I went back out to my car and just for the heck of it did a google search on causes of hair loss with women. One of the first results that came up was by WebMD listing hair loss as a symptom of polycystic ovary syndrome. I had a light bulb go off then. My mom had sent me a text months back telling me I should look into it as she thought I might have it, but I more or less ignored the issue. Now, though, looking at all the different symptoms, I realized that I was positive for every single one of them: menstrual problems (up until a month ago, I hadn't had a period in at least five years and then I suddenly started again for some reason), hair loss, acne and oily skin, obesity, depression and/or mood swings, difficulty sleeping, and fertility problems. The last one was the only one I couldn't confirm simply because I've never tried to get pregnant.

It's Time

"Eat less and work out."  If I ever mention my struggle with my weight, that's generally the response I get.  It sounds so simple, so straightforward, but for me, it's really not.  Food is comforting, its something I can rely on to taste good.  And working out?  I wear flats or flip flops perpetually because I have trouble breathing when I bend down to tie my shoes.  The idea of walking for any distance let alone trying to run is daunting.  The majority of my friends are thin, weight is not something they've ever struggled with.  A number of them even enjoy exercising, running a mile is nothing for them.  For most of them, my struggle with weight is probably quite perplexing.  But for me, it's something I've been dealing with my whole life.  In elementary school and middle school, I was the "loser", the one everyone else liked to make fun of and tease because I was weird and a different size.  I just didn't quite fit in at school or the church my family attended.  But while I loved food even then, I was constantly active with a required PE class and playing volleyball and basketball.  But when my family moved and my mom started homeschooling me, I became less active and the weight started piling on.

My lowest weight as a teenager/young adult was in my sophomore year of high school when I weighed 160 lbs.  By the time I graduated I had gained over 40 lbs. College was a nightmare for me.  From morning to till evening there was an all you could eat buffet in the cafeteria and most of it was about as unhealthy as you could possibly get.  Despite the fact that at that point I could be considered more curvy than anything, I felt fat and I wasn't comfortable working out in the gym which was usually filled with with toned and trim football and volleyball players.  My boyfriend wasn't much for working out and didn't generally want go with me so my exercise consisted of walking around the relatively small campus which wasn't much exercise at all.  I broke up with him in my second semester of college.  Despite the fact I knew it was the right thing to do, it was an incredibly difficult decision.  What made it even worse is that afterward I found that I had been so caught up in the relationship with trying to make things work out, that I hadn't really made any friends and I was completely on my own.  I quickly became depressed and food became my comfort.