Sucker Punch

So I realize it's been over a month since I updated this blog. I've been dealing with a lot personal and medical issues recently in regards to my weight loss and I just wasn't ready to share. Losing the weight has been much harder than I anticipated. I figured once I changed my diet and really started working out, the weight would really start to drop, at least initially just because I have so much to lose. But that's not what happened. I dropped just below 300 lbs once and then a week or two later, I bopped back up to just over 300 and that's where I've stayed. It's been massively frustrating because nothing I do differently seems to make any difference. So I've gotten very discouraged and I've started struggling with the depression again.

In addition to the weight loss issues, a month or two back I started noticing that I was losing a lot more hair than was normal when I took a shower or brushed my hair. Instead of just some strands here and there, when I ran my fingers through my hair, I was getting clumps. And my hair just felt thinner. I've always had very thick hair but suddenly it wasn't anymore. I thought maybe it was because I'd been dying my hair about every two months for almost a year to maintain the red hair that I loved.  So I returned to my natural brunette hair color and worked at really conditioning my hair, hoping that would help. It didn't. When I went to get my hair cut a few weeks ago by mom's cousin, she confirmed that my hair was thinning and told me I should get some blood work done because maybe it was a thyroid issue.

After my hair cut, I went back out to my car and just for the heck of it did a google search on causes of hair loss with women. One of the first results that came up was by WebMD listing hair loss as a symptom of polycystic ovary syndrome. I had a light bulb go off then. My mom had sent me a text months back telling me I should look into it as she thought I might have it, but I more or less ignored the issue. Now, though, looking at all the different symptoms, I realized that I was positive for every single one of them: menstrual problems (up until a month ago, I hadn't had a period in at least five years and then I suddenly started again for some reason), hair loss, acne and oily skin, obesity, depression and/or mood swings, difficulty sleeping, and fertility problems. The last one was the only one I couldn't confirm simply because I've never tried to get pregnant.

Seize the Day

"Do it, it's not too late. You can totally make it."
"No, you're stronger than this. Prove it to yourself."
"Another slip up is not going to make that much of a difference. You know you want it."
"But you don't need it. You're not hungry in the least. You can resist this."
That's the dialogue that was running through my head tonight as I sat in my car in the Popejoy parking structure trying to merge into a never ending line of cars. I'd just seen the musical Newsies which I'd been wanting to see for several years now and had been totally blown away by it. It wasn't just good, it was amazing. And watching it, I was reminded of how much I'd wanted to be an actress, to be on stage like that. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm a mediocre actress at best. And if those didn't knock me out of the running, my weight certainly did. There's not any room for overweight actresses unless you're also a comedian for the most part, which I certainly am not.

So walking out to my car, I felt exhilarated and on cloud nine but I also felt depressed. Watching the show, I couldn't help but thinking how amazing it must be to be up on that stage. I haven't acted in over two years and I really miss it, but I don't see the point in auditioning when I know I won't get a part. My weight just automatically rules me out. Climbing into my car, I just started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. I don't know where the emotion came from, but suddenly there it was and I started thinking about how much I loved to act. The practical side of me immediately popped up to remind me that I gave up my dream of becoming an actress and I was now in school to become a vet tech, a stable, solid career choice. The thing is, I'm not into science and math and all that, I just love animals. I've always leaned towards the more creative side of things, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, etc., none of which I'm particularly good at, but I enjoy nonetheless. But while I might not enjoy science and math as much, I've done very well in my classes. And did I mention that I have way more chance of success with this career?

Balance Is Key

Sorry for the long delay in updating, it's been a crazy, what, week and a half, almost two weeks? Jeez, I need to get better at setting aside time to blog. In any case, I'm still alive and I'm still working to get healthier. The biggest thing I've been striving for since I last posted is balance; working to be healthy, but also not feel like I'm depriving myself. I found out the hard way on Memorial Day that working out is great, but I need to be careful to pace myself. I joined an hour and fifteen minute group workout that morning that turned out to be very high intensity. I was exhausted after it was done, but my trainer happened to catch me as I was leaving and asked if I wanted to do our session then rather than having to come back later that afternoon. Despite feeling tired from the workout I'd just completed, I said sure because not having to drive back and forth was appealing, despite the fact I live a grand total of five minutes away from the gym. We did a fairly easy session but I went home feeling shaky and totally drained, laid down, and then promptly had to make a run for the bathroom to throw up. I was miserable. I felt like crap for the rest of the day and worst of all I didn't really feel like going to gym for the rest of that week.

The fact that I'm actually enjoying working out is awesome, but I have to be careful to not overdo it and make myself sick and discourage myself. With the heat, it takes a huge effort to get myself out the door, I don't need any other reasons to make me second guess going to the gym. I did still make it to the gym a couple times last week, but definitely not every day. And it wasn't all just lack of energy that made me choose not to go, I was really struggling with the heat and with headaches and not feeling great and I really didn't want to make myself feel worse since I do have work and classes to focus on.

She Became A Butterfly...

Okay so maybe I'm not at the point where I could be considered a butterfly, but I'm working my way there.  I wanted to share this quote because I happened to come across it looking for another quote and I just really love it because I find it, personally, very relatable.  I feel like I've gone through a lot of darkness with my depression and eating disorders and all the other "fun" stuff life has thrown at me and I feel like I'm finally coming out of that darkness.  I just thought it was a really beautiful quote.

So one thing I wanted to mention really quickly that I realized I really didn't get into in my last post was my eating disorders.  People generally figure that those who are overweight are overweight because they're pigs and eat too much.  In my case, that's true because I have a binge eating disorder.  Basically what it means is that I overeat a lot even when I'm not hungry and I feel like absolute crap afterward, both physically and emotionally.  It was because of this that I also started purging.  While that hasn't been as big an issue for me as the binge eating, it's still really unhealthy.  But I've been doing way better with it since I started eating more regular meals which I think is awesome.  I haven't purged in at least a couple months and when I have the urge to eat, I'm going to shoot to grab something healthy.

I had that issue last night.  My best friend and I went out to dinner and had a good sized dinner plus dessert, but after he left, I still wanted to eat something.  I honestly was not hungry at all, but I wanted food.  So I had some grapes which turned out to be rather sour and pretty much put me off food for the rest of the night.  Not exactly what I had in mind, but it worked and I was pleased that I hadn't either gone out and picked something up or rummaged through the house for something unhealthy.

The hardest part with the food is just battling the bad habits I've built up over the years.  I'll be driving around and see a Dion's and think, Oooh, a pizza sounds amazing right now!  Or I'll pass a Dairy Queen and think of how good a Blizzard sounds.  And then I try to rationalize with myself that, oh, I haven't had thus and such in several weeks and now I can't have it so I should get it as a last meal, kind of thing.  I've been really struggling with that, but so far I've only had one slip up.  More on that in a bit.  It's a daily battle, but I'm finding that overall I'm doing pretty well.

Repeat Everyday

Two years.  It has been almost exactly two years since I abandoned this blog and basically gave up on ever losing weight.  It's honestly been a rough couple of years.  I quit my job at the bank very shortly after my last blog post because I hated it so much.  In October of 2014 I ended up attending Extreme Weight Loss Destination Boot Camp up in Denver, Colorado for a week.  We were given meal plans, recipes, exercise plans, and a whole lot of other really great info.  I met some really awesome people, but honestly found it a little hard to connect because there really wasn't anyone else there my age.  When I got back home, I really tried to make things work, but I really didn't enjoy a lot of the food which I felt lacked flavor and could take quite a while to prepare.  So I soon fell off the wagon and returned to my old habits.

At that point I basically stopped caring about my weight and resigned myself to being overweight.  I tried going back to UNM in the spring of 2015, but ended up having to drop all but one class because I was failing them all.  I started a new job in March of last year working for at a dry cleaners.  I've been there for a little over a year now.  I continued to struggle with severe depression to the point that I was suicidal and cutting again.  The binge eating and bulimia also continued and my weight spiked again back up into the 320's.

And that brings us to the present.  I returned to college this past spring at my local community college and for the first time since graduating high school, I was actually very successful.  I passed all five of my classes with straight A's and really enjoyed myself.  I found that I was a much happier person and I think I went through a lot of mental and emotional changes.  I stopped getting so down on myself and stopped caring so much what people think of me.  There are a lot of days that I look in the mirror and think, Hey, looking good, girl!  I'm not stupid, I know that I'm still morbidly obese, I know that by society's standards I look like crap, but I'm learning to be comfortable in my own body, to put more stock in the words of those who love me than those who don't.  Honestly, if someone started talking bad about me, rather than getting depressed and feeling worthless now, I'd be more inclined to flip them off and tell them to shut up.  Um, just to be clear, I don't go around flipping people off, but in that situation, it would be very tempting.  If I was a better person, I would ignore them and move along, but I'm really bad at being passive and ignoring things that piss me off.  As my best friend recently commented, I'm not an indecisive or passive person at all.  I can be very passionate which means that sometimes I react or say things without thinking it through.  Something else to work at, I guess...