So I realize it's been over a month since I updated this blog. I've been dealing with a lot personal and medical issues recently in regards to my weight loss and I just wasn't ready to share. Losing the weight has been much harder than I anticipated. I figured once I changed my diet and really started working out, the weight would really start to drop, at least initially just because I have so much to lose. But that's not what happened. I dropped just below 300 lbs once and then a week or two later, I bopped back up to just over 300 and that's where I've stayed. It's been massively frustrating because nothing I do differently seems to make any difference. So I've gotten very discouraged and I've started struggling with the depression again.
In addition to the weight loss issues, a month or two back I started noticing that I was losing a lot more hair than was normal when I took a shower or brushed my hair. Instead of just some strands here and there, when I ran my fingers through my hair, I was getting clumps. And my hair just felt thinner. I've always had very thick hair but suddenly it wasn't anymore. I thought maybe it was because I'd been dying my hair about every two months for almost a year to maintain the red hair that I loved. So I returned to my natural brunette hair color and worked at really conditioning my hair, hoping that would help. It didn't. When I went to get my hair cut a few weeks ago by mom's cousin, she confirmed that my hair was thinning and told me I should get some blood work done because maybe it was a thyroid issue.
After my hair cut, I went back out to my car and just for the heck of it did a google search on causes of hair loss with women. One of the first results that came up was by WebMD listing hair loss as a symptom of polycystic ovary syndrome. I had a light bulb go off then. My mom had sent me a text months back telling me I should look into it as she thought I might have it, but I more or less ignored the issue. Now, though, looking at all the different symptoms, I realized that I was positive for every single one of them: menstrual problems (up until a month ago, I hadn't had a period in at least five years and then I suddenly started again for some reason), hair loss, acne and oily skin, obesity, depression and/or mood swings, difficulty sleeping, and fertility problems. The last one was the only one I couldn't confirm simply because I've never tried to get pregnant.
The cause of all these issues is a hormone imbalance basically from what I understand. It hasn't been studied a whole lot and it only affects approximately 10% of women. I didn't look into it much more until last Sunday night. I was planning to call my health insurance company the next day to see about setting up an appointment to get tested and confirm whether or not I had PCOS as it's called. And that's when I found out that there's no cure, that women who have PCOS struggle to lose weight and maintain weight loss. An oral contraceptive is generally prescribed to help try to balance the hormones, but it's not a cure. I had a break down right then and there.
I'd been working so hard to get my life together, going back to school, getting a gym membership and a personal trainer, working to eat healthier. I wasn't struggling with the depression really anymore and it just seemed like things were really looking up for me after years of challenges. And now this. This was the absolute last thing that I needed.
Despite the daunting amount of weight I wanted to lose, I still had dreams of finally having a fit, toned body. As much as I had gotten over the idea of ever finding a guy who would be interested in me, there were still the occasional lingering thoughts that if I got fit, I might finally find someone. And despite my dislike of kids in general aside from family members or kids connected through friends, I still had dreams of having maybe having my own someday. You know, if Mr. Right ever got down from the tree he was apparently stuck in. All of that just imploded. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel anything. I was numb.
I felt sick and depressed most of last week. I didn't call to schedule an appointment based on the logic that if it wasn't confirmed, I didn't actually have it. Because that's how logic works, of course. I didn't go to the gym, I couldn't sleep, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it and I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a lot, and wished that I could switch places with her.
At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I am going to call and schedule a doctor's appointment today. I just can't keep avoiding it. At least if it's confirmed I can get started on some form of medication. And my amazing best friend who has quite literally been with me through thick and thin did some research and found some weight loss suggestions and diet tips which hopefully will be helpful. I'm trying to stay positive, but right now it's just really rough.
Hey Morgan, I'm sorry to hear so bout your struggles. I'm glad you scheduled an appointment though - hypothyroidism also has a lot of the same symptoms and is treatable with suplimental thyroid tablets. I'll be praying that the doctor knows what's wrong and that there's an easy treatment for it!
ReplyDeleteOne thing you need to make sure of while dieting is that you are not malnourished. While I was pregnant I had to take a hard look at the foods I was eating and how I was overweight but still under-nourished. I was missing key vitamins and minerals in my diet and when I actually began to eat less after the baby was born I showed every sign of malnourishment. I was eating foods before pregnancy that were filling me up but were nutritionally empty.
ReplyDeleteOut of everything, however, you need to know that life is too short to compare yourself to others and attempt to live their life or live in a pit of misery wishing you were them. It's taken me years to realize that concept. I wanted to be stick thin, wear beautiful make up, beautiful clothes and jewelry... Slowly I started to get tired of the routine of putting on the make up, trying to squeeze myself into clothes that didn't fit and being unhappy because I wasn't what I found beautiful.
Sadly, happiness is a short lived, subjective, situational phenomena that we chase on a daily basis, never realizing that it has to come solely from within. Losing weight for your health is important, you want to live and live well. Losing weight to look like someone else is the wrong way to do it because you will never be anyone but you.
On that note, if anyone actually has the free time and courage to make fun of you to your face they are hurting more deeply than you are being called ugly or fat. We all talk shit about other people behind their backs and out of ear shot. I do it all the time, I'll keep talking shit until the day I die, because I'm sassy and judgmental. Knowing that, I understand that someone at any point is going to make fun of me for anything. The way I walk, my hair, my shoes, my deep voice... I shrug it off because I've done the same thing.
You don't need to worry about what other people think. You don't, end of story. People are going to hate you for the dumbest most fucked up reasons and there's nothing you can do about it. If friends or family are making you feel bad then they aren't the kind of people you need in your life.
You are loved, you are meaningful and you are precious.