She Became A Butterfly...

Okay so maybe I'm not at the point where I could be considered a butterfly, but I'm working my way there.  I wanted to share this quote because I happened to come across it looking for another quote and I just really love it because I find it, personally, very relatable.  I feel like I've gone through a lot of darkness with my depression and eating disorders and all the other "fun" stuff life has thrown at me and I feel like I'm finally coming out of that darkness.  I just thought it was a really beautiful quote.

So one thing I wanted to mention really quickly that I realized I really didn't get into in my last post was my eating disorders.  People generally figure that those who are overweight are overweight because they're pigs and eat too much.  In my case, that's true because I have a binge eating disorder.  Basically what it means is that I overeat a lot even when I'm not hungry and I feel like absolute crap afterward, both physically and emotionally.  It was because of this that I also started purging.  While that hasn't been as big an issue for me as the binge eating, it's still really unhealthy.  But I've been doing way better with it since I started eating more regular meals which I think is awesome.  I haven't purged in at least a couple months and when I have the urge to eat, I'm going to shoot to grab something healthy.

I had that issue last night.  My best friend and I went out to dinner and had a good sized dinner plus dessert, but after he left, I still wanted to eat something.  I honestly was not hungry at all, but I wanted food.  So I had some grapes which turned out to be rather sour and pretty much put me off food for the rest of the night.  Not exactly what I had in mind, but it worked and I was pleased that I hadn't either gone out and picked something up or rummaged through the house for something unhealthy.

The hardest part with the food is just battling the bad habits I've built up over the years.  I'll be driving around and see a Dion's and think, Oooh, a pizza sounds amazing right now!  Or I'll pass a Dairy Queen and think of how good a Blizzard sounds.  And then I try to rationalize with myself that, oh, I haven't had thus and such in several weeks and now I can't have it so I should get it as a last meal, kind of thing.  I've been really struggling with that, but so far I've only had one slip up.  More on that in a bit.  It's a daily battle, but I'm finding that overall I'm doing pretty well.

So anyway, moving on and going back a couple days, Friday was not one of my better days.  I only got about two hours of sleep the night before and I had work at 6:30 in the morning so I was

exhausted.  I tend to make stupid decisions when I'm tired, Friday was no exception.  I started out well.  I brought one of my parfaits with me to work for breakfast but I forgot to grab a bag of trail mix because I was running late so I didn't have a mid-morning snack.  I had to pick up a couple things at Walmart after work and that's where things went downhill.  I'd had a craving for Chicken Cordon Bleu the past couple of days which I'd been handling pretty well, but being both exhausted and hungry, I caved and picked up two boxes of that plus three packs of ramen noodles.  Once I got home, I proceeded to fix all of it and eat all of it before crashing.

When I woke up, I felt like absolute crap.  I was too groggy to be pissed at myself, but, trust me, that came later.  I hadn't heard the alarm I'd set go off so I missed the workout class I'd wanted to make it to and  I just decided to skip the gym for the day.  I've been working to enter what I eat into this health program I have on my phone but I've been pretty half-assed about it lately.  But that night I actually entered everything in and, yeah, it wasn't pretty.  Turns out I ate the equivalent of four servings of the Cordon Bleu and six servings of the ramen.  I gave myself a good mental thrashing at that point and vowed to do better.

Saturday I slept in till almost 10:30 because, again, I'd had trouble sleeping.  Dragging myself out of bed, I forced myself to get ready to go to the gym, something I really didn't want to do.  I had the last little bit of my parfait from Thursday and headed out the door.  I was hoping to attend a barbell workout class at 11:30, but when I arrived just before or right at 11:30, the class had already started.  People had this whole set up in front them of steps and mats and then the barbells themselves.  I've never used a barbell before in my life, so I watched for a few minutes and then left because I had no idea where to start.  Plus some of the moves they were doing just seemed a bit advanced for my taste.  So instead I went out onto the actual gym floor and did the arm and back exercises my trainer had told me to work on.

Hands down, that was one of the scariest things I have ever done.  To people who are fit or maybe have a bit of flab but aren't really overweight, that probably doesn't seem like a big deal.  But

when you are quite literally the only overweight person on the entire floor, it's daunting and it's a bit terrifying.  My instinct was to say, screw this, and turn around and walk out the doors.  Gyms to me have always seemed to be the domain of the fit and fabulous with no place for the outcasts of society like me.  But like I said, I've toughened up over the last year or so and learned not to care what others think of me.  So I went at it.  Four sets with twelve reps of lat pulldowns, rows, and lower back work.  I kept to myself and nobody bugged me at all.  I finished up with fifteen minutes on one of the stationary bikes to get some leg work in.  I would have gone longer but with being overweight, I realized that my legs were going out to the side rather than staying straight as I was pedaling, straining my knees.  So it wasn't a super hard workout, only about half an hour to forty minutes, but I did work up a sweat and I still felt good that I made it out the gym at all.

I went home and made a turkey sandwich for lunch which was fantastic and then went to hang out with my best friend while he was working.  We get together every Saturday and go to dinner and a movie or we pick up dinner and eat at my place and play video games.  Since we do this every week, I decided that Saturdays would be my day to be more indulgent and not eat as healthy for dinner.  We decided to try somewhere new and ended up having dinner at Cheddar's which was pretty darned good.  I got steak and shrimp and he got a hamburger and then we split their apple crisp for dessert.  It was all good and the prices were very reasonable.  I will admit that I think I overate a bit, so I'll need to work at that, but I don't think I was a complete pig.

And like I mentioned earlier, after we'd hung out for a couple hours and he left, I felt to urge to eat again.  I wasn't hungry at all, it was just an impulse.  I was tempted to get some ice cream, to eat cheese and crackers, make a sandwich, etc.  But in the end, I grabbed some grapes and had those instead.

Thankfully I slept better that night and then this morning I woke up at around 8:30ish so I could make it to another class.  They call it Booty Barre and it's essentially a ballet inspired class that gives you a full body workout.  And let me tell you, it was hard!!!  I had thought before going to the class that I might stay afterwards and do the exercises my trainer gave me again or maybe stay for the Zumba class immediately after, but by the time the class was over, I was done!

I ended up talking with the instructor briefly afterward and she was just really, really nice.  She told me that it was good that I was listening to my body and not pushing too hard.  She also told me that it was a tough class and I had done really well.  I'm really loving Defined Fitness because everyone who works there is just so nice and encouraging and I really appreciate and need that.  The classes that I've taken so far have been really great and fun, not to mention excellent workouts.

My one issue though is remembering that I need to eat before I go to a class because I started feeling a bit drained about halfway through the class and afterwards I was really tempted to just pick something up.  I will say that I was pleased that I was trying to think of something healthy that I could pick up, so I was contemplating heading over to McDonalds and getting one of their egg white breakfast sandwiches, but decided I was better off fixing something at home.

But before I fixed anything I decided I wanted to weigh just to see where I'm at.  And the scale read......drumroll please......302.2!  I am so close to being under 300lbs and I'm super excited!  I would love to be under 300 when I weigh again next week, but I'll take every little bit that I can get.

Seeing that number definitely helped motivate me so I made sure I made a healthy breakfast, an egg scramble with ham, green onions, and a little bit of cheese with a sliced tomato and a slice of whole what toast and Rooibos tea.  Yum!  I want to look at doing some meal planning for the rest of the day and figure out what I'm going to do for my breakfasts and dinners for the rest of the week.  I really enjoy the turkey wraps and sandwiches so I think I'm going to stick with that for my lunches for now, plus they're really easy.  So I'm going to be doing some cooking between today and tomorrow and I plan on attacking this week strong and prepared!  Everyone have a safe Memorial Day!!!

This is the last day I am this fat and unhealthy.  Repeat Everyday.