Seize the Day

"Do it, it's not too late. You can totally make it."
"No, you're stronger than this. Prove it to yourself."
"Another slip up is not going to make that much of a difference. You know you want it."
"But you don't need it. You're not hungry in the least. You can resist this."
That's the dialogue that was running through my head tonight as I sat in my car in the Popejoy parking structure trying to merge into a never ending line of cars. I'd just seen the musical Newsies which I'd been wanting to see for several years now and had been totally blown away by it. It wasn't just good, it was amazing. And watching it, I was reminded of how much I'd wanted to be an actress, to be on stage like that. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm a mediocre actress at best. And if those didn't knock me out of the running, my weight certainly did. There's not any room for overweight actresses unless you're also a comedian for the most part, which I certainly am not.

So walking out to my car, I felt exhilarated and on cloud nine but I also felt depressed. Watching the show, I couldn't help but thinking how amazing it must be to be up on that stage. I haven't acted in over two years and I really miss it, but I don't see the point in auditioning when I know I won't get a part. My weight just automatically rules me out. Climbing into my car, I just started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. I don't know where the emotion came from, but suddenly there it was and I started thinking about how much I loved to act. The practical side of me immediately popped up to remind me that I gave up my dream of becoming an actress and I was now in school to become a vet tech, a stable, solid career choice. The thing is, I'm not into science and math and all that, I just love animals. I've always leaned towards the more creative side of things, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, etc., none of which I'm particularly good at, but I enjoy nonetheless. But while I might not enjoy science and math as much, I've done very well in my classes. And did I mention that I have way more chance of success with this career?

So what do I do when I'm depressed? I eat. It doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not, I'm compelled to eat and eat just about anything. My choice for tonight: Dion's. It's just down the road from UNM and on Fridays and Saturdays they're open till 11pm instead of 10. The show ended right around 10:30pm so as I sat in my car crying, an all out war started waging in my head. I've had this battle before and generally the food wins. It's been winning a lot this week. I've been so unhealthy with my eating and it's been very discouraging. I don't know why tonight was different, but it felt like making this decision was bigger than just affecting tonight. It felt like a turning point. Despite the fact that I only work part time and school takes up a lot of time, I could save up and start taking dance lessons, I could take voice lessons, I could push my weight loss into high gear. Or, I could go get the food that I so did not need and go home and watch a couple of episodes of Merlin and go to bed way too late and basically just cave. I felt if I chose to give in, I would be giving up whatever minuscule chance I still had of living the dream I still have.

I made my choice. I turned off my phone and started inching my way out of the parking structure.

But even then though the battle continued to rage in my head. I pounded on my steering wheel as

I kept struggling with the decision. I wanted to be happy. I realized it all came down to that. I've been unhappy for so long, so angry and frustrated with my life. I'm 25, the vast majority of people that I graduated high school with have graduated college, started successful careers, gotten married, had kids, and I'm still stuck. I got into a relationship that I deeply regret that left me with huge trust issues when it comes to men, actually I just have major trust issues period, and then I dropped out of college, got fat, and I drifted. I'd jump from job to job, never staying for more than a year or so, trying to go back to college every once in a while. And every year I was more dissatisfied with my life.

I got into a mentality that this was how it was always going to be. I was always going to be fat, always dreaming of a life I would never have, never finding love or happiness. But food, food is constant, always there, reliable. So I subconsciously made it my comfort. They call certain foods comfort food for a reason. When it seemed like life was hopeless, food was there. I also have a mentality that if I turn to anyone for help, I'll be bothering them. Tonight even, as I wrestled with my decision, I thought of calling my parents, but they worked a full day and it was late and they were already in bed, I couldn't bug them. I thought of my best friend, but he had a long day too and it was late and he has work same as me in the morning, I didn't want to bug him. I put all the pressure on myself. And this time, I won.

Finally pulling out of the structure onto the main road, I turned the opposite direction from Dion's and drove straight home. It was a victory, but it was a hard won one. Still, it reaffirmed some things for me. One, I really need to get back to trying to eat better and make sure I get to the

gym more. As much as I hate the heat and the way it totally saps my energy, I need to make the effort. Two, just because I gave up on having a career on the stage doesn't mean I can't necessarily still explore it as a hobby if I have time. I doubt I'll ever be on a stage like Popejoy, but I'll take what I can get. Three, I need to learn to value myself more. I've gained a lot of confidence in more recent times, but when it comes to communicating with other people, I am still utterly terrified of being a burden and chasing off the few friends I have. My parents are stuck with me, poor them (lol), and they've made it clear they're on my side. I've known my best friend for almost four years and he's seen me at my highest and my lowest, if he hasn't run for cover at this point, he's probably won't now...hopefully. I need to learn to trust people more and not put everything on myself. I won't succeed that way, I can't. I am not an island, as my mother likes to remind me. I need support and I have people willing to support me, I just have to accept it.

So now I just have to take what I thought and learned tonight and run with it. And you know, maybe someday I'll have my chance on the stage. I'll lose the weight, learn to sing and dance and I'll be kicking my heels up on stage. But for now I'll be content to watch from the audience and focus on my own health and well-being. Time to seize the day.

This is the last day I am this fat and unhealthy. Repeat Everyday.